Today the Willy Wag Tail Told Me

 My grief was not supposed to be part of this blog, but a moment today pushes me to write. I know that coping with chronic illness can go hand in hand with feelings of hopelessness and defeat. Currently I am supposed to be doing another calprotectin test. I met with another new GP who agreed given my recent symptoms it warranted a test. She was reassuring and told me my experience was valid, that I was allowed to feel my feelings and that yes I should attend that monthly support meeting despite feeling I might not belong there being mild Crohn's.

Fast forward to today and the feeling of utter hopelessness and raw grief raise their ugly heads again. It is not the first time in the last two and a half years I have felt that I would prefer to be dead. It is not even about the Crohns but really about the fact that I can't escape the stress of family and marriage that seems to exacerbate my symptoms. They tell you to stress less for the sake of the disease! Well how the fuck are you supposed to do that when you are juggling a 17 year old daughter, a 14 year old son and a husband who is never wrong...like never, unless you catch him red handed and even then deny. deny. deny. I keep telling  myself this is all normal and that most parents and couples have the same experience. I am sure they do and I am sure some have it worse. But I cant shake the feeling of wanting to run away screaming from all of this into seclusion and hiding. There are no boundaries in this house and it is almost impossible now to break the habit. I get my own room to sleep in but people barely knock and even when they do they still come in, there is a pretty constant issue to be sorted. 

Two and a half years ago my Dad died from lung cancer in a hospital in Chiang Mai, Thailand. I have still not processed or come to terms with the trauma of that experience but am edging closer to getting help. I know there will be a lot to unpack and I need to have a stable life to go with that. At the moment mentally unpacking might not be the best thing for my fragile brain. 

Today was a hard day. I have been hurt by the words of friends this week, I believe I am mildly flaring with my Crohns again, my daughter is short and abrupt with me (but she is trying) and my husband continues to frustrate me as we try to navigate parenting with quite different styles. This weekend was looking like a good one, I was tired from work but my daughter was working and my son was happy...that was until he went with his father for a haircut. In hindsight it was me that should have taken him, but I was in a bubble of momentary contentment. Not an hour later, with a new haircut that was way shorter than he wanted, we had him in full meltdown mode...like walking around looking for something to smash, meltdown mode. This continued at varying levels all night and started again before 6am this morning, and I had to work. I could feel my heart and head about to explode. I made it out of the house .....just. And in tears drove to my first job. I did not want to talk during my work and did my best not to appear rude but it didn't take a genius to know I was quieter than usual. I have decided this week not to talk to anyone about my real feelings, well except here I guess hahahaha. I am done dumping on people and if they can't handle quiet me then so be it.

I got in the car and headed to the next job...I was still boiling inside and the thoughts of death came up as a good solution again....then it happened. A willy wagtail flew in front of my car. This might not seem all that unusual but the Willy Wagtails are my sign from my Dad. This bird wasn't simply crossing my path. At the very moment of my dark thoughts this bird changed direction and flew ahead of me ducking and weaving forcing me to slow my car right down. It circled around in front of the car once I did and then left. 

I burst into tears and yelled at myself to pull my shit together. Death is never the option, never. But I can see how some people get there. My Dad sent his spirit bird to give me a big fat NO STOP IT!. 

As the day has passed I have not forgotten this moment and have taken some time out to get myself centred again.

Grief is an awful thing but faith will save you.